I woke up this morning with the idea that what I desire is simply to feel good. Any feelings I have of misery, unhappiness, frustration or anything I would call "bad" feelings have an element of powerlessness and disconnection. I feel abandoned here in this earth experience. And the only reason I feel abandoned is that at that time, I am looking at something that I don't like and feeling stuck or trapped in it or unhappy without whatever I desire because of it.
I've worked with Abraham's concepts for about three years now I think. I wanted prosperity and health especially, but like everyone, was shooting off rockets of desire every day about many things. I walked parallel paths. On one hand I was studying Abe's ideas and applying them. And on the other hand having experiences in the physical world (contrast) that I didn't like. I was on an emotional roller coaster ride because I had an intense desire to understand how to stay connected and feel good while I also had all those beliefs about "reality" that I had grown up with, beliefs that didn't lead to a happy existence. I did the work on my thinking that Abe suggested to feel better, but also, in the back of mind I was doing the work to feel better for a reason -- to get what I desired. That's the real carrot and stick, because we want something because we think we will feel better when we have it. If we don't understand that we control our feelings, things don't control them, then we will never have what we really, really want. And what we really want is to feel good which we have under our control!
I've come to the understanding now that what I truly want is to feel good. At the moment, my desires for something specific are dissolving. If I think about something I want in July, it feels like the future. All I need to do is ask for what I want. I don't feel the yearning for it that I was feeling, the lack of it, that feeling that it was just out of my grasp.
I feel so focused in the present. The way it is working is this: I experience contrast and have a desire. What I really want is the essence of that desire, I want the feeling that I will have when I have that desire. And more specifically, I want the feeling of connection I will have when I have what I desire. And I can have that NOW! Because I am in control of my thinking and my feelings come from my thoughts. My feelings are information from my Inner Being about whether my thoughts are of connection or not. When I'm resisting feeling connection, I don't feel good.
So the way it works for me is this: I look around me and have thoughts. When I see contrast and don't feel good. I then present myself with a desire that I think will make me feel better. But here's the really neat part -- I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE WHAT I DESIRE TO FEEL BETTER. I am in control of it. I can have the essence of what I want right here and Now. I can have those good feelings of connection and joy and happiness and freedom and every conceivable good feeling right here and right Now!!! I don't have to wait for anything what so ever. There is absolutely nothing better than that!! It's like the contrast and desire are here to give me the opportunity to work into that feeling of connection.
So, going full circle from my first sentence -- I woke up understanding that for me to feel well-being and connection is to be who I really am. The world will adjust to my new perspective and I will be fully and delightfully provided for. We are provided for in whatever way we choose to be, even when we think something is unpleasant contrast, we are actually being provided for because it is in answer to our disconnection. I think we only really enjoy our experiences when they come from our connection with who we really are. We experience that which truly delights us because it is a reflection of our connection to who we are.
One time when I was in high school, my family was camping at a woods with a fairly large creek flowing through it. My cousins and I explored up river and that experience is the essence of how I really enjoy leading my life. We waded through the shallow parts and walked the banks when water was deep. Every bend in the creek was a new experience. Water under a fallen tree carved a deep spot with big fish in it. We came around a bend and there was a large deep, still pool of water that was a red muddy color. A steep bank of gouged reddish clay rose up on the other side. It was like a new world at every turn.
It was in that same woods, maybe at that same trip, that I had a profound spiritual experience. The trees were tall and the woods deep. I was by myself, standing in a clearing with light rays shining through these huge trees and I felt like I was in a cathedral. I had a very deep experience of the God Force. I absolutely love trees and the steady life force that they radiate. They are the sentinels.
Although I've been to college and have a masters degree, I've never been a collector of information. I'm not interested in collecting things, although I enjoy what I have. It's never interested me to have a certain career path for prestige -- I was never ambitious in that way. What I really love is the experience. I love the experience of writing and communicating and contemplating ideas and touching others and connecting with like-minded souls. I love entertaining myself and others with ideas and stories and images. I love exploring the natural world. I love experiencing a fresh breath of air after a rain storm, seeing the clouds blowing across the sky, hearing and seeing birds, squirrels, ducks, rabbits, geese, cats. How playful they are, how they are individuals with their own desires, how loving they are. I love exploring the non-physical world and communicating with those loving beings. And I love the interesting friends I've had in this lifetime and experiences I've had with them.
This is who I am. This is the way I want to live my life. I send off my desire for money and home and whatever else I need and trust that it will be there. Those things are not the point of my life although I do enjoy them. I trust that I am guided exactly where I need to go and when and that I am provided for very lovingly.
I have come full circle to a way of understanding I had when I was a child. It has literally been 40 years in the wilderness, wandering around in the physical world and trying to fit in to way of thinking that didn't fit. I explored metaphysical ideas all that time and had all kinds of experiences, but it wasn't until I found Abraham's concepts that I was able to consciously understand that I have control over how I experience my life -- and that control over what I think and feel is what I have been desiring.
I've always been fairly unconventional even in conventional settings. My last job in Virginia I did corporate collections, going after 2 million dollars a month from important clients that I had to keep happy while getting them to pay their bills -- resolving legal problems, problems with our own managers or anything else that was delaying payment. The company I worked for was global in presence and very professional, but they accepted it when I used less than "professional" terms, such as saying that I looked for the harmony in the situation. Although I loved the people I worked with, I felt pain at trying to fit into that world and still be myself.
But now I have it the right way around. I am this experiencer, this explorer. This is who I really am. I'm trusting God to bring me good feeling thoughts and the experiences that I will enjoy. I'm trusting that my desires are fulfilled in more delicious ways than I could even imagine. God lays out a buffet of delight for me each day. There is plenty for everyone. The world fits to me!
I understand that when I see contrast and don't feel good, it's an opportunity for me to feel better. And the way that I will feel better is to change my thoughts and to get that delicious feeling of connection again. I love that feeling of connection -- that is the feeling of well-being.
And there is more. I can tell there is so much more to explore! I'm understanding how I control how I feel by choosing my thoughts. Now to explore the world with that understanding. Oh, the fine tuning, the opportunities to try this out with relationships, my body, money, travel, buying things, choosing what I wear, how I look, writing, success, sex. There's lots of experiences to explore.
Life is a peach waiting for me to take a big bite!
I love peaches :) :) :) :) :)
...love to you.
