Sunday, April 02, 2006

In the middle of a shift

Weird weekend. I've felt so angry, furious, and a confusing mix of feelings -- threatened, vulnerable -- kind of a dark, sparking kind of anger inside. I'm trying to understand it, thinking if I do, that I will know what to ask for or what to accept to find my way to better feelings.

I'm supposed to just be able to ask for what I want and get it. I've been using the placemat process and other methods and the anger is still there. I've been following my feelings looking to feel better.

I'm not sure what it is. What I have asked for this weekend is to come into alignment with allowing prosperity. So, I'm guessing these feelings are the resistance to what I've asked for. My family lost all their money when I was a year old and there were hard times, including getting evicted from a condemned house. No matter how much money I did or didn't have as an adult, the sides of the box that held money were always a fear of being cold, hungry, alone, and afraid with no one who would help me. This is all coming up because circumstances seem similar in many ways, so the feelings come up to heal as I deal with contrast and learn to feel good and allow well-being.

It would be really nice if what was going on was a fear of leaving that familiar box because that would mean that I would allow myself to come out into the air and sunlight about money and prosperity. This morning I was thinking that what might be happening is that these very old, dark feelings are coming up and now I'm strong enough and have experience enough to walk through them. I had a feeling this afternoon that I am being called to be more alive, to be more open to life in some way.

Whatever is going on, I know that I have the power to come to a better feeling place. I know that it will pass and be released. I know there's a loving answer even though I feel afraid I won't find it. I hope this is the last hurrah, the deepest, oldest little child feelings that are being released and healed.

I realized awhile ago that I feel afraid to trust God. I feel afraid I'll be tricked. That I will think everything is ok and then have something awful happen. That's old stuff I know.

So, all I can do in this case...the best thing I can do is just point myself in the direction I want to go. Even if I don't have any hope or I'm afraid to hope. Just point myself in the right direction. I don't have to know what they are or why they are happening. I can just choose and I do.

I choose to believe that I will feel better. I choose to believe there is hope even when there doesn't feel like there is any. I choose to believe I am ok and that everything is perfect even though I feel like I'm hanging on to the bottom of a pit for dear life and won't let go. I choose to believe this is very temporary, that I don't have to know anything about it to feel better. I don't have to figure anything out or heal anything or do anything at all. I just give it all to God and say, here it is, I don't know what to do with it and I want to feel better. Please take care of that for me, would you.

I've been collecting some thoughts this week so I may be blogging a lot. Or not. I don't know yet.

It's a powerful thing to experience being able to shift my thinking from something that feels really bad to feeling good. I've been doing it this week at the project I've been working on and got to really, really good feelings. That's why this weekend has seemed such a puzzle.

Oh, well. Again, I just point myself in the direction I want to go in and get myself ready for blogging and for the work week.


I'm coming back to add to this post later. I'm rereading journal notes and thoughts and I felt very empowered by the time the week ended. I started working on a project a couple of weeks ago that I had also worked on last year at this time. It could be boring. I wanted to feel free. I asked my Inner Being (IB) to help me at work and was guided to go outside at breaks and lunch which helped. I was keeping in touch with my IB during the day and by the end of the week, I had good energy all day long. Saturday morning I worked myself into feeling really good, my body felt strong.

So, I'm seeing all of these dark feelings as just coming out to be cleaned out and released. Old stuff that was still hanging around. Fears that I couldn't have or keep the good feelings and trust that what I need will be here for me. I can see now that the poverty feelings are a real illusion -- shadows from the past made more frightening because I was a child and the adults were frightened. I still hear the echoes from family members and people in the area when I talk to them -- lots of fears about money and health.

Well, I have the power to choose, thank God! And I have the power to choose my path and the direction I want to go in. I want to amble down that good feeling path and see what's there. The streets are paved with gold.


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