Saturday, November 18, 2006

Empowerment is loving my self

I've been moving through a big shift for several weeks. The way a shift happens is that I have a desire, and if there is any resistance, that's what I have to work through (shift) to allow my desires to be expressed and real to me.

I've been taking steps to do some things I've wanted to do for quite some time. One is writing a novel. I've started several times, but got stalled. I joined NaNoWriMo. It's the writing equivalent of jumping off a cliff without a parachute. The point is to send your inner critic on vacation and write a 50,000 word novel during November from start to finish. No editing. No plot. No problem. It's been great. I've tossed aside so many of the reasons I had writer's block. Whatever I want to change can be handled when I edit. For now, I just write and enjoy the ride.

I'm also getting my ducks in a row for ways to bring money in to support myself in an easy way and also be able to write. I'm going to be a tax preparer! Quite a surprise to me, but I actually enjoy doing the tax returns -- I think because I like a mystery and it's a challenge to get everything in the right place to make the biggest savings for the client. I know there is an unending flow of abundance for me, you, and all of us and I'm also learning all kinds of information to help me manage money more wisely. The office is a few blocks from my house and the owner wonderful to work for.

Sounds easy, right? So, what was the resistance? It was a lot of really old childhood stuff about not being worthy and not good enough. Here's an example of how that showed up: I had trouble sleeping the two nights before the final -- the night before I only slept 2 hours. I got so frustrated because I often do that when something important is coming up. This time I could tell that it wasn't worry -- I could handle this class. I could do the final. The owner of the company is also the trainer and a great guy. I'm laying there wanting to go to sleep and I ask myself, is this self-sabotage? I decided it was. I took a Hyland's Calms Forte (a gentle, non-addictive homeopathic sleep aide which can either help you sleep or help you relax so that it doesn't bother you that you can't sleep). I made a decision about what I was going to do the next day, got up and watched a movie, got a little bit more sleep in the morning, attended the final class, got my certificate, and a job offer starting in January.

I haven't been blogging my path through the unpleasant feelings of this particular shift which has been over several weeks, so this may sound flip and easy. It's definitely been a journey through the back country of feelings from childhood -- many intense, many unpleasant feeling. I appreciate learning to take back my power -- it's never them or anything outside of me, but it sure felt like it. When we get those ideas of unworthiness when we are so young -- two, three years old or even an older child -- it seems like who we are and we don't realize then we are powerful souls. I've always wanted to please those family members -- if they loved me then maybe I would be lovable. Those primitive thoughts and feelings from those very young days had been stuck, but they aren't any more!

I had some thoughts about resistance:

-- resistance is about a thought I have that tells me I can't have what I want
-- frustration is a strong desire and an opposing thought that I can't have my desire
-- overwhelment is a desire and a thought that tells me I'm not enough to handle my
desire or I'm not ready for it
-- despair is a desire and a thought that says I'm not good enough and never will be

Those opposing thoughts are just that -- thoughts which we have the power to change.

The crazy thing is that we are always good enough for our desires. The only reason we would EVER think we were not good enough for any joy in life is if we are letting someone else affect our thinking. When the words were spoken often or when we were young, they become almost subliminal. We forget we didn't always think that way, but we didn't. Our natural state is being loving to ourselves and from that love of our self, we give to others.

What has really helped me is to look at life this way: whatever doesn't feel good is not outside of me, but always a thought that I have. The more I choose to think that way the more control I have over what I think and feel. I feel better. I allow myself to feel empowered and successful and feel more balanced.

Sometimes I really have to work because I have an old feeling where I don't even hear the thoughts that cause it any more. The journey is worth it. And coming around to where I started this post, it happens when I have a desire and the desire begins to come to me. The distance between feeling my desire and living it is whatever I have to clear away and let go of to connect. That's where my work is and it is worth it.

I like feeling good. Call me Pollyanna. I don't care. I journaled these next words on October 23, 2006. This is the way I like it:

Now, I feel like I'm floating in the ocean, looking at the beautiful sky, letting the water rock me, and the more I do that, the better it gets. I'm also doing a lot of action right now, but it's not my focus. I'm at the beach...just hanging out.


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